Help,I will try to keep it short. I used to date this guy for a year and after the breakup we kept seeing each other for another year and a half (some good and a lot of horrible moments). I got very close to his cousin, cousin’s wife and their children (for one they live across the street from my family). My little sister and I spent a lot of time at his cousin’s house. Even after the breakup, I continued to visit his family almost daily. His cousin’s children became very attached to me and they still are. A few months ago, his mother visited from Africa. I had never met her but spoke to her on the phone a few times. I accidentally met her during one of my trips to the cousin’s house and she was very very did I say very excited to meet me (obviously she did not know the status of the relationship. And I guess she also did not know he was in another relationship… Oh well).
She fell in love with me even after I
told her where the relationship stood. I visited her often (at his
brother’s house) and she was determined to get us back together. Great
plan!!!! After one of our gazillion fights went really bad, I decided to
confide in my soon-to-be mother-in-law for support and got a
freezing-cold shoulder. That was my cue to leave so I stopped visiting
her, and also stopped communicating with him and his brother, but “sweet
mother” will not stop buzzing my phone. How do I breakup with my
ex-boyfriend’s family?
***
Because social workers or therapist have
to be culturally competent, I will give my therapeutic responses in
one, two,or sometimes three parts. The different ones will be
westernized, African (keeping our morals and values in the response) and
religious (when needed and necessary).
In this situation I will give a
universal view with some points focusing more on the African culture.
Entertaining someone for almost two years after a breakup must be very
strenuous. You said there were a lot of horrible moments which must take
a toll on anyone’s emotional self. You brought up the idea of him
having a girlfriend which means during your “seeing each other” moments,
he was also getting to know someone and willing to make you aware of
it(I guess).
Before I address the family issue, I
want to say that it is OK to care about someone after a breakup (those
feelings don’t vanish in the moment the relationship is over…THOUGH I
WISH). We must also understand that it is a crucial moment to get to
know ourselves even better, try to understand what went wrong, and get
back to our basics. You are an individual and not defined by someone
else.
Ok now the family wahala. First
I am glad that you were able to find the strength within you to stop
the communication between yourself and the mother and the ex. Getting a
cold shoulder from someone you pretty much considered on your side (and
soon-to-be) must have been devastating. You don’t mention your emotions
but it goes without saying that it must have been a very rough last
couple of years. You don’t need those relationships with his family
unless you can separate his family from him but that is close to
impossible because there is a chance of running into him, his name
always coming up and more. I will say continue to keep the space until
you know you are strong enough to talk about him without any hurt in
your heart. I am not sure if you are still visiting the cousin daily and
what the status with that is but it must be difficult to live in the
same area. But take care of yourself.
You sound like a lovable person and that
is a great quality. Personally, I hate families that waste a girl’s
time meanwhile their son is out there building his (but that’s my two
cents and personal feeling).
Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Kadettmann
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